◆ We'd like to see some more information on Alfons' personality. Although you've given us a list of individual traits Alfons possesses, we don't get much of a sense of what he's like as a whole person. Does he have any emotional flaws? How else has his illness impacted his life? The more elaboration the better in this section.
◆ Although you provide a brief outline of Alfons' changes from his time in Zodion in the CR AU section, we need more detail to illustrate what makes Alfons any different from his canon counterpart. What, besides his feelings for Edward, caused his feelings of guilt and discomfort, and how did he eventually move past them? How did he eventually learn to cope with the 'worship' requirements? How did he deal with the feeling of being an outsider? As with the personality section, the more elaboration the better.
◆ We'd also like to request a new third-person sample, as it can be difficult to illustrate characters' narrative voice during their very first introduction to the Tranquility and we didn't get much of a sense of Alfons' narrative voice from the sample you provided. Something you've written before is perfectly acceptable in this section!