okay, so! let's talk about asa. tbh, he is a little bit (at least) defined by his instincts, and his instincts (despite the antlers) are just a biiiiiit doe-like. with that said, he's already sort of jumpy. instead of the 'fight-or-flight' response, he gets the run the fuck away response, and he does it very, very well. on top of that, his years spent essentially in hiding, then the months in the forest, kind of reinforced his run-from-anything-that-startles-him tendency. he doesn't mean to and he doesn't want to, and he usually returns once he's had time to tell himself he's being stupid, but it just happens so fast sometimes that he can't help it.
he's extremely fucking frustrated by his own meekness. he despises that in face-to-face encounters, he's shy and unassertive, because after his time spent in the other world, seeing what people need from him and what he needs to do, he equates it with cowardice. some part of him knows he's not really a coward, that it's just instinct and conditioning and nature that's made him the way he is, but it's hard not to be hard on himself when he's needed so badly.
training and having his friends around has helped a little, though. he has more confidence in his ability to protect himself, at least, and seeing that he essentially saved oren's life with his abilities means he's not terrified of them. he's willing to learn and he wants to learn, and though it's been slow going, he's trying very hard to be patient with them. it's a heavy burden, knowing that he's the only one who has that ability (if his father really is dead), and that it's required to save their way of life and protect their world. he really, really isn't suited to heroism or even ruling anything, so it's a bit like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. he just doesn't fit there and he knows it, which is at least in part why he's attached himself so thoroughly to his brother. his brother is the kingly type, and as far as asa's concerned, once all this is over, heartwine can rule and they can all just call asa when they need something..
ultimately, it's hard thinking of that world as home, even with his brother there and knowing that his father was from there. home is the circus and mr. crick and mr. cauldwell, with oren and crow and jess. he hates being away, he's lonely and overwhelmed and tired, and he just wants his life to start making sense again. not, mind, that anyone really knows how bad it is for him, because asa does not talk about shit like that. he doesn't want to be a burden on people, and he thinks it's kind of selfish for him to throw all of his hang-ups and fears onto someone else when they have a world to save. so he bottles and bottles and bottles until he can't anymore, at which time he kind of explodes. quietly, curled in a corner somewhere trying not to sob into his knees. it never really occurs to him to get angry, at least in part because it always seemed so rude and unseemly, and he's never really needed to be. he's always been so grateful for being taken in by the circus that it's never occurred to him that he's allowed to be angry about things. it's not as if he's incapable, though-- given a few years to mature, to gain confidence in himself and his abilities, and his personality will even out a little more. he has the potential for a normal sense of anger and outrage, it's just been stifled so long that he's all but forgotten it. except, at least, where family is involved (family being heartwine and his closest friends), because if anyone ever did hurt them, asa would probably discover fury pretty quickly. which would.. be a bad idea, given his powers, given that he's not used to them or to feeling that strongly in quite that way. thankfully, though, he hasn't had any reason for any of that, so there we go.
coming back around to him being kind of meek and quiet, unsurprisingly, he's also really easily flustered! he has a hard time talking to strangers because he has no clue what to say and he feels clumsy and a little stupid around them, especially since his education has been spotty over the years. coming from a country where half-breed hate is at an all time high, he's nervous around most normal humans and has no clue how to respond to a compliment. he's accustomed to being a curiousity, but in a kind of distant way. in the circus, he did his act and then disappeared again. he didn't have to wait around to be gawked at in person, and he didn't often venture away from the others into towns or cities, so it's the one-on-one staring and comments that leave him awkward and uncertain. like what the hell is he supposed to say or do when people are commenting on his ears or feet or whatever?
anyway, all that said, he's painfully aware of his own shortcomings, which is why he needs a you tried sticker. he works super hard to overcome them, because hard work and duty are things that his mom and the circus instilled in him, and he can't help but feel responsible for everyone being in the situation they're in right now. he wants to fix things, protect his friends, and go home.
of course, if his memories of being on the tranquility come back, he'll probably relax a little more, because people were nice to him there and no one tried to throw shit at him or creepily collect him or anything. and with no pressure to be anyone's savior, it's a nice break from the fear and desperation he feels at 'home'. this time, he'll even know that he doesn't have to be worried about everyone back there, because time really doesn't move while one is on the ship.
sample;
It's been hours since he arrived. He'd gone through the initial panic, the confusion, heart hammering in his chest and every muscle in his body poised to just run and run and run. It had been all but impossible to control the-- the need. But he had, and he'd listened, and he'd learned what he could, and now he's.. here. In 'his' room, on the bed that's been assigned to him, and-- and everything's strange.
Well, of course it's strange. He's just been kidnapped into another world, onto a ship flying through space. But that's not really what he means, that's not really what's bothering him. No-- there's something familiar about it, almost. Like having a dream inside a dream, how it echoes through you even when you wake up.
He turns the network device over in slender, bow-scarred fingers, stroking a thumb along the glass face. Has he.. been here before?
(Gardens, an orange flower, a tall man with violet eyes.)
That's impossible, though, isn't it? He would have remembered. You don't just forget something like being thrown across dimensions. Do you?
He sucks in a trembling breath, shoving the device under his pillow and pushing the pillow down on top of it. He feels dizzy, white noise in his ears, black spots swimming in his vision. (He wants to run, but there's nowhere to run on this ship. You'll always run back in a circle, won't you?) He doesn't want to think about it, being here before, about what he might have forgotten, about what had been done to him to make him forget.
Why him? Why now? How long had he been here? How long had he been gone?
Shaking, he brings a hand to his mouth, covering it as he struggles to keep his breathing steady, to keep the fear from overwhelming him. It's-- fine. It's going to be fine, right? There are a lot of humans here, but surely there are people he once knew. Maybe he can get in touch with them somehow, find out what happened--
no subject
he's extremely fucking frustrated by his own meekness. he despises that in face-to-face encounters, he's shy and unassertive, because after his time spent in the other world, seeing what people need from him and what he needs to do, he equates it with cowardice. some part of him knows he's not really a coward, that it's just instinct and conditioning and nature that's made him the way he is, but it's hard not to be hard on himself when he's needed so badly.
training and having his friends around has helped a little, though. he has more confidence in his ability to protect himself, at least, and seeing that he essentially saved oren's life with his abilities means he's not terrified of them. he's willing to learn and he wants to learn, and though it's been slow going, he's trying very hard to be patient with them. it's a heavy burden, knowing that he's the only one who has that ability (if his father really is dead), and that it's required to save their way of life and protect their world. he really, really isn't suited to heroism or even ruling anything, so it's a bit like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. he just doesn't fit there and he knows it, which is at least in part why he's attached himself so thoroughly to his brother. his brother is the kingly type, and as far as asa's concerned, once all this is over, heartwine can rule and they can all just call asa when they need something..
ultimately, it's hard thinking of that world as home, even with his brother there and knowing that his father was from there. home is the circus and mr. crick and mr. cauldwell, with oren and crow and jess. he hates being away, he's lonely and overwhelmed and tired, and he just wants his life to start making sense again. not, mind, that anyone really knows how bad it is for him, because asa does not talk about shit like that. he doesn't want to be a burden on people, and he thinks it's kind of selfish for him to throw all of his hang-ups and fears onto someone else when they have a world to save. so he bottles and bottles and bottles until he can't anymore, at which time he kind of explodes. quietly, curled in a corner somewhere trying not to sob into his knees. it never really occurs to him to get angry, at least in part because it always seemed so rude and unseemly, and he's never really needed to be. he's always been so grateful for being taken in by the circus that it's never occurred to him that he's allowed to be angry about things. it's not as if he's incapable, though-- given a few years to mature, to gain confidence in himself and his abilities, and his personality will even out a little more. he has the potential for a normal sense of anger and outrage, it's just been stifled so long that he's all but forgotten it. except, at least, where family is involved (family being heartwine and his closest friends), because if anyone ever did hurt them, asa would probably discover fury pretty quickly. which would.. be a bad idea, given his powers, given that he's not used to them or to feeling that strongly in quite that way. thankfully, though, he hasn't had any reason for any of that, so there we go.
coming back around to him being kind of meek and quiet, unsurprisingly, he's also really easily flustered! he has a hard time talking to strangers because he has no clue what to say and he feels clumsy and a little stupid around them, especially since his education has been spotty over the years. coming from a country where half-breed hate is at an all time high, he's nervous around most normal humans and has no clue how to respond to a compliment. he's accustomed to being a curiousity, but in a kind of distant way. in the circus, he did his act and then disappeared again. he didn't have to wait around to be gawked at in person, and he didn't often venture away from the others into towns or cities, so it's the one-on-one staring and comments that leave him awkward and uncertain. like what the hell is he supposed to say or do when people are commenting on his ears or feet or whatever?
anyway, all that said, he's painfully aware of his own shortcomings, which is why he needs a you tried sticker. he works super hard to overcome them, because hard work and duty are things that his mom and the circus instilled in him, and he can't help but feel responsible for everyone being in the situation they're in right now. he wants to fix things, protect his friends, and go home.
of course, if his memories of being on the tranquility come back, he'll probably relax a little more, because people were nice to him there and no one tried to throw shit at him or creepily collect him or anything. and with no pressure to be anyone's savior, it's a nice break from the fear and desperation he feels at 'home'. this time, he'll even know that he doesn't have to be worried about everyone back there, because time really doesn't move while one is on the ship.
sample;
It's been hours since he arrived. He'd gone through the initial panic, the confusion, heart hammering in his chest and every muscle in his body poised to just run and run and run. It had been all but impossible to control the-- the need. But he had, and he'd listened, and he'd learned what he could, and now he's.. here. In 'his' room, on the bed that's been assigned to him, and-- and everything's strange.
Well, of course it's strange. He's just been kidnapped into another world, onto a ship flying through space. But that's not really what he means, that's not really what's bothering him. No-- there's something familiar about it, almost. Like having a dream inside a dream, how it echoes through you even when you wake up.
He turns the network device over in slender, bow-scarred fingers, stroking a thumb along the glass face. Has he.. been here before?
(Gardens, an orange flower, a tall man with violet eyes.)
That's impossible, though, isn't it? He would have remembered. You don't just forget something like being thrown across dimensions. Do you?
He sucks in a trembling breath, shoving the device under his pillow and pushing the pillow down on top of it. He feels dizzy, white noise in his ears, black spots swimming in his vision. (He wants to run, but there's nowhere to run on this ship. You'll always run back in a circle, won't you?) He doesn't want to think about it, being here before, about what he might have forgotten, about what had been done to him to make him forget.
Why him? Why now? How long had he been here? How long had he been gone?
Shaking, he brings a hand to his mouth, covering it as he struggles to keep his breathing steady, to keep the fear from overwhelming him. It's-- fine. It's going to be fine, right? There are a lot of humans here, but surely there are people he once knew. Maybe he can get in touch with them somehow, find out what happened--